Hide and Seek

She had said it was a game.
A game of hide and go seek.
I was four, and I had loved to play games.
"Baby sister" she had said, bending down to my height.
"Close your eyes. Close your eyes and count to 20 and then come find me"
I had been scared, even then.
"But what if I can't find you? What if I lose you?"
"Don't be silly" she had laughed. "You will know where I am"
And she gave me one of her enveloping hugs.
I should have noticed it then, the quivering of her lips as she dragged them into that smile
The fact that the twinkle a laugh brings to your eyes wasn't there.
But I was four.
And I had not learned to look for signs.
So I closed my eyes.
And I began the decent from 20.
And I eventually struck 1.
I had not heard her leave, but I was alone in the hallway.
I began my search, starting on the first floor then moving to the top.
I had checked everywhere and suddenly I knew...she had been right.
The door to the upstairs bathroom was closed shut.
I padded over to it and standing on tiny tiptoes I reached for the door handle and turned....
All I remember from that day there on is the sound of my scream, echoing through the empty house.
They found me hours later.
Once my parents had come home from work, hung up there coats, discussed what could possible be made for dinner with the ingredients the sparse fridge had to offer.
Once they had yelled for us a million times that they were home.
Once they had realized how disturbingly quiet the house was.
As if in a dream I remember the thunder of their footsteps up the stairs
The anguished cries of my mother
My father's strong arms picking the lifeless body up from the ground, leaving me curled alone on the cold tiled floor....
Years later, the scars have finally begun to fade.
Yet she has still left her mark.
Every time I go to sleep.
Every time I close my eyes.
I count to 20, and she is there.
And I can hear my scream.